Big Gay Closet

Our newest contributor came to us via our new Contact Us form. Apparently she’s been a die-hard romantic for a very long time.

I remember when I was no more than nine years old, and on holiday in northern France with my family. I had made the acquaintance of several lovely older girls from Scotland on the merry-go-round one day.

One of the girls, Vivienne, used to tell me how much she liked my shoulder length brown hair, how shiny and silky she thought it was and could she stroke it? We weren’t exactly friends but we talked whenever we met up by chance around the campsite. I was obsessed with hanging out with these girls, and used to drag my older sister to the playground whenever her teenage self consciousness subsided enough to allow it.

The evening before we left the campsite to travel home, I was walking back to another friend’s tent with her. When we reached the tent we said goodbye and I went to go back to the caravan my family was staying in. The tents for the kids’ activity clubs on the campsite were close by, however. In the tents there were lots of arts and crafts materials, amongst other toys. I snuck into one of the tents and located safety scissors in the half light.

Knowing what I was doing was a kind of secret,and embarrassing, I cut off a lock of my hair, just at the nape of my neck and put it into my fleece pocket before sneaking out of the tent and running over to the playground. The adored girls were there, as usual. I gave the lock of hair to Vivienne and she was really surprised that I had cut off my own hair for her. It was then I realised that my behaviour must have been a little odd, something beyond a friendly kindness, so I went back home, feeling confused and awkward.

The next day I was going for an early swim before packing up to leave, and she came up to me, to say she still had my lock of hair and how she’d remember me by it. I was pleased and embarrassed by her attention and mumbled something akin to ‘anytime’ before scuttling off.

It’s only looking back on this episode now, that I realise that it was the first time I really fell for a girl, and I thought so little of it at the time, until I saw it from a different perspective. It was so natural and easy for me that my being gay should have been easy to come to terms with! Sure, I’m only being consistent.