Big Gay Closet

I first told Natalie. I was 16 and we were in an off licence (liquor store). She asked me why I was bothered by some homophobic remarks that someone we were hanging around with had made. I looked at her and told her that I was gay. She shrieked at the top of her voice, “You’re a lesbian?”. Everyone went really quiet in the shop and looked at me. I just grinned at them. Natalie soon told everyone including my two younger brothers. Dave said that he didn’t care which way my gate swung, and Dan was more concerned that I would become a vegetarian. I guess being gay is less horrifying than not eating meat to him. I made them promise not to tell my mom.

What was your first clue?

I went to Uni and still hid it from everyone. A week before my 19th birthday my mom phoned and told me that she had been talking to Dan and that he had told her something. I knew immediately what was coming next. Before I could say anything she made me promise not to kill Dan and that she already knew that I was gay. The Xena posters I had when I was younger tipped her off. I really wish she had asked me, all that worrying for nothing! She also told me that pretty much everyone on her side of the family knew as well and were fine with it. It was kinda anti climatic. In my head I had visions of her disowning me and I had planned out what I was going to say to her, I didn’t plan for this and was a little lost for words.

It wasn’t till I was about 25 that my dad told me that he knew. I knew that he knew because he knew I was living with my then-girlfriend and there was only one bedroom. We had a don’t ask, don’t tell thing going on. After I broke up with my girlfriend, I went round to my dad’s one night. We got talking and he told me that he knew, and that he had known since I was little. Growing up I had told him about various girls I wanted to marry. I was 6yrs old when wanted to marry my best friend Nicola, then when I was 8yrs old and wanted to marry one of my female teachers. The Xena posters also kinda confirmed his suspicions.

I wish that he would’ve brought it up years ago. I wish that I had the courage to bring it up. We had a serious communication breakdown. So much worrying for nothing. My dad told me he watched some program about gay people to better understand the whole ‘gay’ thing. He’s not the most open minded of people so I was a little shocked and touched that he had done that.

I’m lucky to have family and friends like this. I really thought that when they found out that I was gay they would hate me. It turns out that they all knew before I did. I wish they would’ve told me.