Big Gay Closet

In university, one of my personal indulgences was to attend Film Society. Film Society would bring movies to our tiny university town (population 6000, including students) that we wouldn’t ever have had the chance to see otherwise.

And because our town was home to a liberal arts university, Film Society was usually pretty well subscribed.

It was my little tradition to go by myself (not so much by design, but because my friends weren’t really interested) with a notepad and pen and keep track of my thoughts throughout the movie. I’d go home, and type out my thoughts until it all made sense to me. I really needed a blog, but I’m not sure they existed at the time.

I never really bothered to find out what movie was playing. I just went when I had the money.

So one night, I showed up and When Night is Falling was playing.

From AfterEllen’s review of the movie:

As their love story continues, Camille struggles with the external idea of being perceived as gay as much as she struggles with her own sense of self identity and religious doctrine. Her primary challenge in accepting that she is attracted to Petra seem to revolve around telling her fiancé about the affair and avoiding public displays of affection that seem to her to be “crass.” While she does confess to the reverend that she is confused by her attraction to Petra, Camille doesn’t seem to be conflicted about engaging in what she had previously believed was a sin.

So there I sat, a recently baptised Baptist pre-theology student, and entirely queer, but didn’t know it. And this conservative Christian professor was on the screen, kissing this amazing, carefree being, who happened to also be a woman.

I arrived home about 104 minutes later without a mark on my page. I sat at my computer and was unable to type a word.

I didn’t sleep that night.

You might find these interesting too:

1. The night I figured it out
2. POLL: Gay in Brain or Body first?
3. Craigslist: To the Straight Guy at the Party Last Night